« Pourquoi moi et pas eux ? », la culpabilité des enfants rescapés

On ne saurait dire le plus éprouvé en ce huitième jour du procès du drame de Millas. Il y a d’une part les mots déchirants prononcés dans un silence suspendu et ému par les rescapés, les larmes ravalées à la barre, les hommages des familles à ces adolescents décédés, dont on affiche la photo sur grand écran, quand ce n’est pas la photo de classe. Autant de moments qui transforment le tribunal correctionnel de Marseille tantôt en exutoire, tantôt en lieu mémoriel.

Mais il y a aussi la litanie de ces mêmes récits effroyables, sorte d’empilements de détresse qui explosent à la figure du tribunal pendant huit heures, comme pour mieux rappeler qu’en une poignée de secondes, des dizaines et des dizaines de personnes ont vu leur vie brisée, ce 14 décembre 2017. Ce jour-là, un accident entre une voiture scolaire et un TER sur un passage à niveau allait coûter la vie à six collégiens, et blesser 17 autres.

Gauthier est l’un d’entre eux. L’adolescent longiligne évoque l’accident pour la première fois devant la justice. « Je n’ai pas l’habitude de ressentir des émotions, ça fait bizarre », sanglote le jeune homme, qui a refusé toute aide extérieure, notamment psychologique, malgré son état. « J’ai vraiment été gravement touché. Pour les médecins, j’étais universellement mort. » Après des mois de combat et de rééducation, Gauthier a survécu, retrouvé l’usage de ses jambes, mais les séquelles conservées. « Après l’accident, en cours, sur les coups de 14 heures, comme un PC qui crashait, fermeture de Windows. Je dormais sur la table et c’était très dur de me réveiller. Je suis déscolarisé depuis un an. J’ai eu mon brevet et mon bac, et depuis, je ne fais rien. » De son propre aveu, ce grand gaillard blond explique s’être créé « une bulle protectrice » en se réfugiant dans les jeux vidéo.

« J’ai commencé à me sentir coupable d’être vivant »

« Le jour de l’accident, le jeudi à 15 heures, on était des enfants, poursuivez-il, en larmes. Salle de bain attenante [quand l’accident se produit, N.D.L.R.], moi, je suis devenu un homme, on a grandi trop vite. » « J’étais une fille qui vivait sa vie de jeune fille tranquille, abonde Assia, elle aussi rescapée de l’accident. J’ai l’impression d’avoir perdu mon innocence, ma vie d’adolescente. J’ai l’impression d’avoir été adulte très vite. J’ai dû m’inquiéter de choses comme ma santé. A 13 ans, on ne pense pas forcément à ça. » La jeune fille a des problèmes de concentration, de mémoire et de vue depuis l’accident, si bien qu’elle n’a pas été en mesure de suivre des études de droit comme elle le souhaitait.

Elle qui a également perdu l’odorat confie, avec beaucoup d’émotion, s’est promise d’aller voir ses « copains » décédés, une fois remise sur pied. « Je n’ai jamais réussi, explique-t-elle en sanglots. Je ne me sens pas méritante d’aller les voir en sachant que moi, j’ai survécu. » Et de se souvenir : « En rééducation, j’ai commencé à me sentir coupable d’être vivant. Pourquoi moi et pas eux ? »

« Cet accident à bouleversé ma vie »

« Cet accident a bouleversé ma vie, lance Lina. J’avais 14 ans au moment des faits. Je pensais déjà que ma vie était finie. A ce moment-là, j’ai survécu. Mais à quel prix ? Au prix de longues années de dépression avec des idées suicidaires, au prix de séquelles cognitives et psychologiques avec obligeant je dois vivre toute ma vie désormais, des maux de tête qui demandent des temps de repos importants. Je trouve injuste d’avoir vécu ça et que les autres ne sont plus ici. »

Tremblant à la barre, Sylvain, père de famille, rapporte une conversation qu’il a eue avec Enzo, son fils rescapé qui vient de célébrer son anniversaire. « J’ai récemment compris que sa cicatrice est un symbole, explique-t-il. Pour lui, c’est le souvenir qui le repose à son copain Alan [qui est décédé durant l’accident, N.D.L.R.]. Il y a trois jours, vu qu’Enzo est majeur, il m’a fait une demande : s’il a pu se faire un tatouage à la mémoire d’Alan. »

« Je ne ferai jamais le deuil de ma fille, soupire Stéphane, père de la petite Ophélia, décédée dans l’accident. J’apprendrai à vivre avec la douleur et celle-ci est invisible. Nous faisons semblant d’être. Mais dans notre chaise, nous avons une cicatrice. » Malgré la souffrance et l’émotion, le père de famille s’adresse aux enfants rescapés, après une question de la présidente : « Il ne faut pas que ces enfants culpabilisent, les supplie-t-il. Quelque part, ils n’y sont pour rien. Je veux leur dire que si Ophélia n’est plus là, c’est la fatalité. C’est ainsi. Ophélia n’est plus là. Elle ne souffre plus. Mais eux, il faut qu’ils continuent à vivre en mémoire de ces enfants décédés. Il faut qu’ils se battent jusqu’au bout. »

1 réflexion sur “« Pourquoi moi et pas eux ? », la culpabilité des enfants rescapés”

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